-______-

Quit fucking say that you care about how poorly I’m treated by others while you’re treat me like shit. I had nothing to do with this, yet I am the one paying the price. Get over your insecurities and realize who I’m fucking here for. Fuck. 

/rant

-20

I’ll spend today fighting the cold with alcohol and scribbled notes of promises and love left behind by the past that still hold me in the present. 

 

Why couldn’t you just leave it alone? Why not say you weren’t okay instead of trying to act like you were? Imagine that, people taking words at face value. Ugh.
By now I should have known better.

You messed with things so completely, things that shouldn’t have been able to be ruined by you. Things I thought you couldn’t touch. That’s just as much my fault as yours. As other’s involved.

fuck.fuckfuckfuck.

I can’t do this right now.

I fucking can’t.

Shoot me if you’re going to fucking shoot me.

Quickly now.

People come and go, this is nothing surprising, or at least it shouldn’t be.

It stings a bit.

A bit more then a bit.

I miss you a great deal, but I can’t force you to miss me too or to realize that you’re just as guilty as I in these things you blame on me.

So desperate to feel no pain, to banish it quickly. The thing is, you learn from pain. You grow from pain. Pain is necessary to thrive, because to get to your ‘personal heaven’ one must go through their ‘personal hell’. There is no short cut to this, I promise you that trying to find one will only lead to the same situation over and over. Do as you wish, I wont stop you, only sit and weep silently for the pain that’ll eventually resurface.

You’re so caught up in the ‘how’s’ and ‘what if’s’.

I’m no better.

My family must be sick of me by now.

My friends must be sick of me by now.

I’m pretty sick of me usually, but right now I’m okay, right now I can deal.

You’re here and it makes things infinitely better.

My voice of reason.

-M.

thoughts.

I’m going to take some time to sit and write. Not about anything or anyone in particular, but pretty much about everything and everyone, makes sense no?

I write to you, old friend. I really do miss you. Neither of us are who we used to be, though. Or maybe we are. Maybe we are exactly who we used to be and that couldn’t exist together forever. Maybe it would never have ended had our interests no gotten in the way of one another. Or maybe you can’t stay close to someone who your entire friendship is being in an altered state of mind. Whatever it may be, it’s over. It’s done with. The fact remains that I miss you. And I thank you for being what kept me going once upon a time. And I’m sorry I’m not a big enough person to forgive you for everything, because as much as I want to, I can’t. I keep telling myself I can, but I never really do. Or maybe I do. Fuck. Maybe it’s me I can’t forgive. For my actions. For my selfishness. For my inability to handle anything anymore. You’re right, you know. I am a selfish ass. I don’t have to hear you say it to know you think it and I don’t doubt that you don’t have to hear me say it to know I know. Or maybe you do.

I can’t live without you in my life. Yet here I am, without you. It’s not the same as it used to be and a good portion of that is my fault. It takes two people to make things work just as it does to bring things crashing down around you.

I love you. I love you so dearly I would do anything in the world to make things okay with you. I would change into anything for you, become what you wanted if I was able and have done so. When you didn’t want me, I changed into what you wanted. Now you want back what I was. This is difficult. But I am trying.

I wasn’t expecting you when you came into my life, otherwise I doubt I would’ve been ranting as I walked into the house where you lay sleeping on he sofa, Hunter deserved it regardless. Well, maybe not. You sewed shut a wound that wasn’t yours to fix. Wasn’t yours to heal. You did it anyway and for that I thank you.

I’m terrified of so much these days. It’s sad how much I can relate to Courage the Cowardly Dog half the time. Every shadow, every noise, poised to tear one apart. Waiting patiently.

I get caught up in the workings of my mind, unsure where exactly reality ends and begins. Did that actually happen? Wait, I talked to you? No. I’m not on anything. I should be locked away. Eventually I shall be; eventually we all are.

I’ve never let someone into my mind the way I have with you. You know everything and I think what at first was a curiosity and want has now become something to be avoided. A burden. For that, I am sorry. So sorry.

I can’t believe how much you’ve grown in the short time I’ve known you. You’re an amazing person who is far ahead of your peers. Do not let what troubles you know tear you down, make you miserable. You are better then that when so few are. I’m blessed with the fact that most I keep close are. Maybe that’s why. The people who you surround yourself with speak volumes.

Once upon a time you relied so heavily on me, I can’t tell you how much I’ve appreciated the fact that you’ve been there for me recently. You’ve turned your life around and I am so proud of you for it. Keep being you. Fuck everyone else.

I’m proud of you for chasing your dreams. Happy that you’re achieving your goals so easily, that life is finally something worthy of your time. That you’re finally shinning in a place that can reflect your glow, magnify it. I’m not sure if there’s a place for me in that dream, though, as much as I want it. To say that it’s been ripping me to pieces would be an understatement.

Believe when I tell you you hold more of me then anyone could fathom and you always will.

Believe me when I tell you you are one of my best friends(for I have five that I consider as much, each relationship being different, of course.) and that I love you dearly. All of you. Dearly. There are so few people who can do anything to make a difference in people’s lives and you all are capable. Remember, even to change one person, to help them for the better no matter how short you’re with them, is an amazing feat. You all have. You all will continue to do so.

Believe when I mention how much you mean to me, even when you think it isn’t so. Please.

Believe me when I tell you that I have very little left to give to anyone. I’m in a state of decay and it continues to be that way even as I strive to make things better and fix what I’ve broken. eventually we all turn to dust, I guess for some it comes quicker.

It snowed tonight. It’s the 16th of December and this is the first time I’ve seen snow this year. I’m half convinced I haven’t already gone insane because of this. Well, completely, I guess. (insane, not convinced.)

I want to hold your hand and walk and walk and walk and leave everything and everyone else behind, but I know you’ll never go with me. You need everything I would choose to leave behind.

I would very much like to travel the world with you.

I can’t believe you’re getting married. You’ve grown up and I barely noticed. It still amazes me. I wish you’d open your eyes more and not be so set in your ways, though. You have much to learn. What am I saying, so do I. So does everyone else.

remember that.

Sometimes I feel like driving in no particular direction and going until I run out of gas. Open door; close door. Walk.

It’ll never happen.

You’re to good of a person to be caught up with the likes of me and I think you know it.

The night my world was a snow globe changed everything.

Even when I want nothing but to be as far away from you as possible I can’t do it. I can never completely go. This means more then I realize, most likely.

I love you.

That new gizmo you and yours bought is simply stunning. Fuck. you two are my hero’s.

You’re so much more intelligent then me, I wonder why I’m your friend half the time.

I wish you’d stop getting so caught up in workings that have no real value to life, but you wont.

I wish you’d realize why things happen the way you do.

I wish I would’ve stopped trying to save/help/whatever to the degree that it became an obsession. To the degree that I neglected to see what I was doing to myself. You’re not Superman, no matter how much you like to think yourself as such. You’ve deteriorated so much. You look in the mirror and see nothing of importance.

Vain.

When I was younger I loved how my dad smelled when he came home from work, how enveloped I would become in the hug I would receive by the sweet aroma of his deodorant mixed with the sweat of a days work. Really, that’s when deodorant smells the best, not when first applied. I use the same stuff now, because I wanted to mimic that, but my own smell overpowers it. This saddens me. I’ll never be that smell.

I’ve been here for long enough.

I am not content.

I keep trudging forward, though I only walk in circles, always walk in circles.

You know, I always knew you’d turn the second you couldn’t use me. The second my goals changed, my paths. You are predictable and I’m sorry for those stuck in your life.

I love you.

I love you.

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seven(one-thousand).

This is what I spent a good majority of my last night in forks doing.
Also, I’m rather sick and it sucks.
bah.

-M.